Today’s Narrative honors Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. In addition to turning to family, social connections, and healthcare professionals, calling or texting 988 is also available to anyone who is feeling overwhelmed or in emotional pain. A real person answers every call, text, and chat any time of day or night.
Thackston Freed was strikingly handsome, excelled in sports, and according to his older brother, Fielding, “had loads of friends.” But privately, Thackston struggled with severe social anxiety and depression.
Upon graduating college, Thackston sought to bring more positivity into his life by helping others, so he decided to join the U.S. Coast Guard. But soon after enlisting, Thackston encountered a bullying dynamic. As a result, he began to feel overwhelmed and ultimately fled. While AWOL, Thackston pursued in-patient psychiatric care. After participating in group therapy and taking medication to manage his anxiety and depression, he was given a medical discharge from the Coast Guard.
During this time, Thackston moved in with his mother and stepfather, and continued with his therapy and meds. The couple had planned a vacation getaway but were hesitant to leave. After consulting with his therapist and being assured it would be okay to leave him at home, the two continued with their vacation plans. But while they were away, Thackston took his own life.
More than 30 years later, Fielding Freed still lives with the pain of his brother’s death. He joined his wife, Lana Burgess, at StoryCorps to explain how losing a loved one to suicide affects those who are left behind.
TRANSCRIPT:
Freed: I think for any of us who've loved someone that has ended their own life, in lots of ways it's like having a second shadow. It's always there. You never…you know, you learn to live with it. But, man, it takes a lot of energy. Sometimes I can, you know, go for days, weeks, without thinking about him or it. But, it's always going to come back. And I don't know how long it's going to be there. For me, it's the guilt. You know, for a while after he died, I dreamt about him a lot. And it was the cruelest dreams, because he'd be like, “Hey, I'm okay!” And I was like, “I thought you were dead!” He's like, “No, no, no, it's just a mistake!” Or, you know, “No, that didn't happen.” And then you wake up. And then you want to try to go back and catch that again, but, when you dream, but of course, it doesn't work that way. I've stopped having those. Those were the first year or two. I remember the first time I laughed. You know, it was months afterwards. And, then I felt like I had done something wrong, that I had betrayed his memory on some level. I don't know. What you do is, there’s this tug of war: do I remember or do I forget? Remembering is painful. Forgetting is a way around that. If I forget, then what becomes of what was? I did go to therapy. I want to be very clear on that, which I think helped me at the time. I didn't initially have any medication prescribed. I did some years later because social anxiety runs in the family, and so does depression. And so, you know, I've struggled with both. Not, to the degrees he did, but I've definitely struggled with both in my past. I think that because I had that, that did afford me some compassion that I might not have had, had I never felt those ways as well. I have been more happy with you. Our time together has been the happiest of my life. That I did want to say on record because--
Burgess: Wow, that's quite a transition. (both laugh)
Freed: Because my point is this, is that, I struggle with it. I fight it. I hate it. But I've learned to live with it. And you can see through to other things in your life. You will find happiness, but you gotta ask for help. I've never been in a relationship where I could feel the way I do about you and our relationship and our time together. You know, we are a team.
Burgess: We are a team.
Freed: We are a team.
Burgess: I really appreciate you taking a risk and taking this chance to have this conversation with me and for the benefit of, I hope, others and just solidifying in my memory, making sure I knew everything I wanted to know and needed to know so that I can continue to support you and love you as long as we're...as long as we're on this earth.
Freed: Thank you. Same here.
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